If you aren't enough without it...

This is a tough one for me to write, and its a long time coming.  It is something I don't talk about - ever - except in very close circles.  Like my husband close.  It has been, as I have seen it, as blight on my person...a negative.  Something that has made me less valuable as a person.  But the Lord in His beautiful way, is changing my perspective on things, and as I do, I'm sharing this journey with you - I know I'm not alone in this.

There is a line in the movie "Cool Runnings" that says:

"If you aren't enough without it [speaking of an Olympic gold medal], you'll never be enough with it."

This line has been playing over and over in my head of late.  You see - I don't have a college degree.  I don't even have any college credits.  In this world where having a college degree has become the end all be all of human existence - or so it seems sometimes (especially if you don't have one), this fact about me has become an area of shame and insecurity.  I haven't been enough without it, in my mind, because I don't have a degree.

So why has this line been playing over and over in my head?  It has been because a couple of weeks ago I nearly flew into a panic over the fact that I don't have one, and (in a near frenzy) started researching what I needed to do to get one.  SIDE NOTE: I love school.  I love learning new things, so this was certainly helping me ignore what was driving what I was doing.  As much as I love learning the true driving force was that I feel less of a person, less valuable, less worthy because I can't proudly say where I went to college and what degree I have (did you catch that?  In addition to shame and insecurity there is pride in the mix - ouch!).  This shame, insecurity and wounded pride is fed every time I hear someone talk about the importance of going to college or how much fun they had in college or really anything about college.  While I do have some higher education (I'm a certified floral designer, a certified landscaper designer and have been through 4+ years of School of Ministry with the Assemblies of God to get my ministry license) NONE OF IT counts toward college credit - and some where along the way, all of the hard work I put into all of that "suddenly" didn't count any more (that, by the way, is a LIE!!!).  Enter that quote again:

"If you aren't enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."

In the midst of the panic, as I was telling my honey that I needed to go back to school and all of the reasons why he said, "If you are doing this out of fear, you are doing it for the wrong reason."  UGH!  Shame, insecurity, wounded pride and FEAR - WHAT?!?!?  He hit the center of the bulleye. :-(  Like dead center.

"If you aren't enough without it, you'll never be enough with it."

So, what does all of this really come down to?  I was not trusting that God could handle His call on my life alone.  I was telling Him that I couldn't do what He called me to do if I didn't have a degree.  I was telling Him that I'm not good enough, smart enough, worthy enough to walk hand in hand with Him and do the things He asks me to do.  I was telling Him that without a piece of paper hanging on my wall He would not be able to act on my behalf to fulfill His purpose in me.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

HE CAN DO WHAT HE WANTS WHEN HE WANTS; He is the Almighty God - Creator of the universe.  Mere mortals can't stop His plan for a person, if that person is fully submitted and trusting and reliant on HIM.  The only person who can keep me from fully walking His plan for me is ME!

I have to learn this lesson - or at least be reminded of it often.  The enemy plays on my insecurities and works to make me believe I am unworthy.  That is, after all, his goal.  If  I adopt that belief then I become ineffective and unable to walk out God's call on my life.  Knowing that lights a fire under me.  I will not believe or buy into the lies of my enemy!  I will not!

(SIDE NOTE: We can't forget we are in a battle - not ever!)

Because I am a child of the King of kings and Lord of lords...

I AM WORTHY

I AM VALUABLE

I AM ENOUGH

I AM ABLE

I am able to do all the things He brings me to do.  I can do all of these things because I willingly, fully submit to Him and His will for my life and His Spirit lives in me giving me the power to do so.

Please don't hear what I'm not saying.  This is not an anti-college rant.  This is a declaration, of a daughter of the King of kings and Lord of lords, of His amazing ability to do in my life whatever He chooses - IF I trust Him to do it.

I love school.  I love learning new things.  Maybe one day I'll back to school, but until then - if ever that happens (it will be clearly directing by Him) - I will rest contentedly in the knowledge (and will remind myself when I forget) that I am enough without my degree.

I am!  I am because of who I am in Christ!

I am!  I am because He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it, if I run  with perseverance the race He set before me.  

He IS faithful to complete it.  He is!

These are the things required of me:

1) Trusting Him - in His goodness and faithfulness.

2) Obedience - taking only the steps He gives me to take.

3) Contentedness - resting securely where He has me today.

Lord Jesus, thank You for this beautiful work you are doing in my heart.  Remind me when I forget, and help me to be faithful to You always.  I release to you my shame, insecurity, pride and fear, and ask for forgiveness for the times I have let them consume me.  Thank you for your call on my life and for Your constant work to make me mature, complete, not lacking anything. Amen!