Then he hit me where it hurts the most...
I broke down into tears at the doctor's office yesterday. Poor guy. All he did was recommend I see a podiatrist for my foot (I slammed 2 toes into a chair and they now longer point in the direction the rest do), but I couldn't take ONE MORE THING. This appointment (I hope so earnestly) finds me and mine on the tail end of a very long and difficult last few weeks. Let me take you on a bit of a journey. It's not to whine or feel sorry for us, but to give you a glimpse into why my poor doctor got a weeping bundle of mess this week.
To save some time I'm going to quickly and (hopefully) succinctly give you the run down of the last little bit of our lives.
- My husband (we hope) is wrapping up a 15+ month journey to get a CPAP machine for Sleep Apnea. He stops breathing every four minutes, and therefore hasn't had a good night's sleep in well over a year. Can you imagine??? We FINALLY received the machine a few weeks ago, and began the process of finding the mask that works the best for him. We think we got it this week.
- Our summer was exceptionally busy, with mostly good things, but all the good things were a bit tiring.
- We planned a pantry installation for the end of the summer, and it went amazingly well. I love my new pantry, but was amazing at how exhausting even a small renovation can make a person. (On a side note: I painted the inside of it PINK!)
- As we were wrapping up the pantry, we had a torrential rain one evening that revealed a BAD leak in my front (living room) window. The contractor was called and he advised calling our insurance company. That started the process of having about a third of the front of our house replaced. When they removed the front they discovered black mold. That's bad. About a week later I had an asthma attack because of it.
- Then we were advised to have the rest of the exterior of our house painted to keep the leak thing from happening anywhere else. Imagine how exhausting three renovations where - if a simple pantry build was!
- My doctor order an MRI for my foot, and my insurance told me that all of the cost for it (after it was done - they are not cheap) would be going toward my deductible...meaning we would be paying for it out of pocket.
********* THEN *********
- My oldest and his bride had to put down her cat. The one she has had since she was little. We are BIG animal people, so this hit them very hard.
- In the same moments I was learning about their beloved April, my youngest son rang into the phone call to tell me his car had "thrown a rod" and was now a one ton paperweight.
(AN IMPORTANT NOTE: When things hit my children hard they hit me hard. My heart was breaking for them as I was working to be calm and walk along side them in their hurts.)
Before the "THEN" I was tired; after the "THEN" I found myself tired and hurt. That is where and how the enemy hit me where I am most susceptible - with my kids.
So, that is the last few weeks of our life in a nutshell, and I would like to ask you a question.
Does my being tired and hurt mean I am not trusting God?
Not at all. What it means is - life has been tough. It's what I do in the midst of the tired and hurt that "tells the tale" of where I am. Before I go into "where I am", let me say this. Life is not always sunshine and flowers. A lot of times life is gray skies and tornadoes. Being believers - following Christ - does not exempt us from hardship, and it most certainly doesn't not exempt us from attacks by the enemy of our souls.
Our enemy is a cunning military commander who does not want us walking in the calling God has placed on our lives. He will do what is necessary to try to keep us down, and we cannot forget that. I firmly believe that my family has been under attack. Why? Because for the first time in 4 years I am walking fully in the call God placed on my life. My calling has been renewed, restored and refreshed. This year I was ordained by the Assemblies of God, and our church installed me as a pastor. I (and therefore my family) are on the front lines of the battle, because I WILL walk the call God placed on my life.
So where I am?
I'm pressed into HIM. My women's pastor said (something to this effect), "We should be pressed so hard into Him that He has an "us" shaped impression in His side." This should always be the case - whether we are in sunshine & flowers or gray skies & tornadoes.
What am I doing as I press into him?
I'm praising Him - in the midst of the storm. I'm praying over my family and my home. I'm trusting the Lord to take care of us in our pain. I'm surrounding myself with people who love me and will pray for us and with us (we aren't meant to walk out life alone). I'm walking in the call He place on my life. I am trusting Him to fight for me (Exodus 14:14). That is what I am doing.
There is a song by Bethel call "Raise a Hallelujah". It talks about these things, and has become an anthem of sorts for me over the last few weeks. Take a listen:
https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU
I raise a hallelujah!
On Monday, the day all my kids were all hurting at the same time - this is what I did. I was in my car singing "How Great Is Our God" at the top of my lungs. I decided in my heart that I would "sing in the middle of the storm - louder and louder" until I could no longer hear the torments of the enemy of my soul. Did it changed the circumstances? No, it didn't, but it changed the focus of my heart and mind - a key ingredient is staying pressed into Him.
As with all things, this is a choice. We can wallow in self-pity or raise a hallelujah.
I cried at my doctor's office because of my physical and mental exhaustion - NOT because I don't trust the Lord with it all, and I want to address that for a second with you. Even in the midst of non-stop turmoil we need to take "brain breaks" - quiet moments, minutes, hours - even a full day away from it all. They are actually more important in those times than in good times. I told myself, over the last few weeks, that I didn't have time to go to the gym (my place of self-care - which is not selfish - and brain break) because of all the things. Had I been going, I firmly believe, my stress level wouldn't have been as high. Lord, may I remember next time.
As I said above, self-care is NOT selfish. It is a vital part of being a good steward of your life. Just as your body needs food and water to sustain energy, your heart and mind need healthy self-care to sustain balance. Please give yourself permission to take care of you. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of everyone else. You can do it! Please do it!
Sing in the middle of the storm, dear ones. Sing as loud as you need to. Sing, sing, sing.
To save some time I'm going to quickly and (hopefully) succinctly give you the run down of the last little bit of our lives.
- My husband (we hope) is wrapping up a 15+ month journey to get a CPAP machine for Sleep Apnea. He stops breathing every four minutes, and therefore hasn't had a good night's sleep in well over a year. Can you imagine??? We FINALLY received the machine a few weeks ago, and began the process of finding the mask that works the best for him. We think we got it this week.
- Our summer was exceptionally busy, with mostly good things, but all the good things were a bit tiring.
- We planned a pantry installation for the end of the summer, and it went amazingly well. I love my new pantry, but was amazing at how exhausting even a small renovation can make a person. (On a side note: I painted the inside of it PINK!)
- As we were wrapping up the pantry, we had a torrential rain one evening that revealed a BAD leak in my front (living room) window. The contractor was called and he advised calling our insurance company. That started the process of having about a third of the front of our house replaced. When they removed the front they discovered black mold. That's bad. About a week later I had an asthma attack because of it.
- Then we were advised to have the rest of the exterior of our house painted to keep the leak thing from happening anywhere else. Imagine how exhausting three renovations where - if a simple pantry build was!
- My doctor order an MRI for my foot, and my insurance told me that all of the cost for it (after it was done - they are not cheap) would be going toward my deductible...meaning we would be paying for it out of pocket.
********* THEN *********
- My oldest and his bride had to put down her cat. The one she has had since she was little. We are BIG animal people, so this hit them very hard.
- In the same moments I was learning about their beloved April, my youngest son rang into the phone call to tell me his car had "thrown a rod" and was now a one ton paperweight.
(AN IMPORTANT NOTE: When things hit my children hard they hit me hard. My heart was breaking for them as I was working to be calm and walk along side them in their hurts.)
Before the "THEN" I was tired; after the "THEN" I found myself tired and hurt. That is where and how the enemy hit me where I am most susceptible - with my kids.
So, that is the last few weeks of our life in a nutshell, and I would like to ask you a question.
Does my being tired and hurt mean I am not trusting God?
Not at all. What it means is - life has been tough. It's what I do in the midst of the tired and hurt that "tells the tale" of where I am. Before I go into "where I am", let me say this. Life is not always sunshine and flowers. A lot of times life is gray skies and tornadoes. Being believers - following Christ - does not exempt us from hardship, and it most certainly doesn't not exempt us from attacks by the enemy of our souls.
Our enemy is a cunning military commander who does not want us walking in the calling God has placed on our lives. He will do what is necessary to try to keep us down, and we cannot forget that. I firmly believe that my family has been under attack. Why? Because for the first time in 4 years I am walking fully in the call God placed on my life. My calling has been renewed, restored and refreshed. This year I was ordained by the Assemblies of God, and our church installed me as a pastor. I (and therefore my family) are on the front lines of the battle, because I WILL walk the call God placed on my life.
So where I am?
I'm pressed into HIM. My women's pastor said (something to this effect), "We should be pressed so hard into Him that He has an "us" shaped impression in His side." This should always be the case - whether we are in sunshine & flowers or gray skies & tornadoes.
What am I doing as I press into him?
I'm praising Him - in the midst of the storm. I'm praying over my family and my home. I'm trusting the Lord to take care of us in our pain. I'm surrounding myself with people who love me and will pray for us and with us (we aren't meant to walk out life alone). I'm walking in the call He place on my life. I am trusting Him to fight for me (Exodus 14:14). That is what I am doing.
There is a song by Bethel call "Raise a Hallelujah". It talks about these things, and has become an anthem of sorts for me over the last few weeks. Take a listen:
https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU
I raise a hallelujah!
On Monday, the day all my kids were all hurting at the same time - this is what I did. I was in my car singing "How Great Is Our God" at the top of my lungs. I decided in my heart that I would "sing in the middle of the storm - louder and louder" until I could no longer hear the torments of the enemy of my soul. Did it changed the circumstances? No, it didn't, but it changed the focus of my heart and mind - a key ingredient is staying pressed into Him.
As with all things, this is a choice. We can wallow in self-pity or raise a hallelujah.
I cried at my doctor's office because of my physical and mental exhaustion - NOT because I don't trust the Lord with it all, and I want to address that for a second with you. Even in the midst of non-stop turmoil we need to take "brain breaks" - quiet moments, minutes, hours - even a full day away from it all. They are actually more important in those times than in good times. I told myself, over the last few weeks, that I didn't have time to go to the gym (my place of self-care - which is not selfish - and brain break) because of all the things. Had I been going, I firmly believe, my stress level wouldn't have been as high. Lord, may I remember next time.
As I said above, self-care is NOT selfish. It is a vital part of being a good steward of your life. Just as your body needs food and water to sustain energy, your heart and mind need healthy self-care to sustain balance. Please give yourself permission to take care of you. If you don't, you won't be able to take care of everyone else. You can do it! Please do it!
Sing in the middle of the storm, dear ones. Sing as loud as you need to. Sing, sing, sing.
